Easter Offering
More Than This
It’s a short one this week, and a bit later than usual, as I’ve been away for the Easter weekend with the family. It’s important to have some time off and family come first, always.
Both of these are lessons that have been learnt the hard way. They are both obvious and are frequently heard these days but I bet lots of people still don’t heed the advice and fall into the same traps that I did.
As my career progressed and I got more responsibilities and more work, I put in more and more hours. Whilst I was in the ‘playground’ bit of my career, I did it willingly. I was probably amongst the first people to have a computer at home and be able to work remotely (it was BBC micro with a 1200/75 baud modem but it did the job!) and I saw it as a benefit - even when I had to log-in at 1 a.m. to reboot a recalcitrant server!
When I was in the ‘prison’ part of my career, there was a lot of pressure and coercion and you were just expected to meet goals and targets, regardless of whether they were reasonable or if anything unexpected happened. So work expanded.
Then there were the ‘strategy’ weekends, and the overseas trips for product team meetings, taking me away for days at a time and quite a few weekends too.
I thought I was putting family first, working hard to earn the money for a good lifestyle. However, the cost was missing many precious moments with them as the boys grew up. I put too much weight on the former, and not enough weight on the latter. The equation just didn’t stack up but I persuade myself it did, and ‘work’ was happy to encourage that. And equally happy to ditch me when I was no longer deemed useful.
I was also crap at setting boundaries and sticking to them. That made their job easier.
In my defence, it could have paid off. I might have achieved a higher position in the hierarchy and reaped the rewards that would have balanced that equation. Looking back, however, I can see that was unlikely. The higher you get, the greater the pressure, the more sacrifices are demanded. That was 30 years ago, today the pressure is more intense and rewards rather less.
In any case, I was never on the ‘fast track’. In fact, due to my managers, I was being held back and eventually my Psycho Boss put me in the sidings. Besides, I was not really cut out for ‘climbing up the greasy pole’, no matter how hard I tried to be someone I wasn’t. Just too independently-minded, too prone to speaking out, too awkward.
My failure to absorb these lessons sooner was to the benefit of my employers, who all encouraged my behaviour (or even mandated it). I think many people have a different view today, especially after COVID gave them time to reassess and think about their real priorities. We’re seeing this in the job market today, with the ‘Great Resignation’ and ‘Quiet Quitting’ and people just demanding work that fits their priorities.
The traps are still there, though, and other are still falling into them as I did, lured by the siren voices of the management PR machine.
Learn the lessons, set your boundaries and stick to your guns.
Lookin’ After No.1
The other lesson is to look after Number 1, because you can only help the ones you love if you keep yourself fit and healthy.
I still struggle with this even now, although I know the wisdom of it. It’s had just become habitual to put others before me, including the organisation, which really didn’t deserve it.
I used to joke that my order of priorities was Wife and kids, work, other family, friends, dog, house (i.e. DIY) and me. Only it wasn’t really funny because it was true. Well, nearly true because too often work came top. Putting myself last, not taking care of myself was like a badge of honour. It was right up there with being ‘really busy’ and just as bad for me.
The thing is, this approach works for a bit because you can get everything done - but it’s not sustainable. It’s not just that you are burning the candle at both ends, it’s that YOU are the candle. It diminishes you, quite literally. Your energy levels start to drop because you are not refilling the tanks. You enjoy life less, you are capable to doing less, you are BEING less.
You crash and burn, eventually. You lose touch with who you are, you get disconnected from the people and things you love most. And then you are no use to anyone, including yourself.
So I know I have to prioritise myself, be more selfish, carve out ‘me’ time. Set my boundaries and protect them. And listen to my body a whole lot more.
But it’s hard to make these changes and there’s always a danger I’ll lapse back into to my old habits because somewhere deep inside there’s a voice that tells me it’s all a load of bollocks and all I need to do is put my head down and crack on. I know that strategy doesn’t work for me any more but that voice has been there for so long it’s hard to shut it up, reinforced as it is by social pressures and out-dated images of masculinity.
So my advice is learn it early. Don’t let that voice take hold. Learn self-compassion and prioritise self-care and doing the stuff that you love and that replenishes you.
Like spending time with your family. Especially when you’ve got a ridiculously cute grandson.
Rewind
I mentioned last week that I am doing my Decrapify Work Webinar again on the 19th and 20th of this month and I’d love to see as many of you there as possible.
The one on the 19th is at the UK, Europe and Americas’ friendly time of 6pm BST, whilst the one on the 20th is better for Asia, Australia and New Zealand. You can sign up for either on this form.
In this webinar I talk about:
Playgrounds and Prisons and how my experience inspired me to start Decrapify Work
The Forces of Crapification that have led us to today's dire situation
My model for how you can Decrapify Work
How the Pirates of the Golden Age were social innovators who can inspire us today
Some examples of organisations that enable people to thrive
What a Decrapified Workplace might look like
We'll finish with questions and an open discussion. The conversations have been really good, interesting and wide-ranging, so I’d love you to join in.
Sign up for the 19th or 20th (or both if you are really keen) on this form.