Let It Go
My apologies for the lack of a Not-Newsletter last week, it was due to illness. In fact, I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure, which came as a bit of a shock to me as I thought I was pretty healthy. I am on the meds and on the mend but it has caused me to reflect on how I live my life and what priorities I give to different aspects.
In this ongoing shitshow of a pandemic, I don’t think I am alone in doing this. The Great Resignation (or Realignment, or Redistribution or whatever) is a symptom of this as many people have re-assessed their priorities and decided how they had their life before was a bit shit, so they’ve adjusted accordingly.
It’s easier said than done, though, isn’t it? We just sort of fall into our routines, habits, friendship circles and the rest of it and the pressure is to give in to the inertia and carry on as you are. It often takes a significant shock to shift us out of our complacency, a major life event that jumps us out of our rut and leaves us seeing the world differently.
This seems to be especially true of men. I recall reading about a study of Senior Leaders who had transformed their approach, embracing more human, even spiritual approaches to leading. Exactly the type of change we need our leaders to go through, in fact. There was a marked difference in how men and women came to this, however. Women often went through a two- or three-year period of analysis and reflection, whereas men were mostly spurred down this path by a sudden major life event, often a near-death experience like a heart attack or accident.
I think some of this may be generational, due to the gender stereotypes that society promoted when older leaders grew up and developed their careers. I hope so because I don’t want younger generations to be hemmed in by these unhelpful and ultimately damaging ideas. I don’t think the difference will disappear but I do hope we can minimise it.
In the meantime, we all struggle to make the changes we know we should. That’s just part of the human condition.
Help Yourself
I was listening to Mark LeBusque’s ‘Simply, Practically Human’ podcast with Craig Harper and Tiffany Cook where they discussed some of these issues and Mark shared an approach that he uses to start people on this conversation of priorities.
I completely agree with Mark’s position that ‘Work/life balance’ is bullshit because work is part of life. It’s a false dichotomy for a start, and narrows your thinking to a simple trade-off in a zero sum game. It also suggest work is somehow ‘other’ to the rest of your life and implicitly suggest it is ‘more important’, and that work is somehow ‘bad’ whilst life is ‘good’. None of this is true.
Mark prefers to talk about ‘Life Design’, deliberately creating a life that makes you fulfilled and happy by getting all aspects of your life where you want them . His quick ‘starter for ten’ is an exercise where you draw a circle representing all the time you have in your life and divide it between the following:
Family
Friends
Sleep
Work (paid and unpaid)
Community
Self-time
I don’t know about you but I find this type of exercise a bit terrifying, which is really stupid because I do want to improve my life! It also shows the traps I’ve fallen into in the past, and the ones I’m still stuck in.
I made the mistake of a lot of people of prioritising Work and Family and then sharing what was left over between the others. Well, to be honest, between Sleep and Friends, and what was good for Friends wasn’t always good for Sleep (it was fun, though!).
Today, I make sure I get enough Sleep and I do get more Self-time (although that’s been a bit more difficult in lockdowns!) but I still don’t have much connection with my local community. My wife, on the other hand, is very connected (she’s a teacher, everyone knows her!).
So I’m committing to doing more for and in the community next year - as soon as it’s safe to do so! And carving out a bit more time and space for me (remember, it’s not ‘selfish’, it’s essential self-care!).
Why don’t you have a go at Mark’s exercise? It might be a bit of a surprise (you probably have a lot of time you can’t really account for) but once you see it it, you can take action to change it.
Lookin’ after No.1
Self-care has become a bit of a buzzword recently, one that gets bandied about to sell stuff to corporates without people being really clear what they mean about it.
One definition I came across is ‘the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.’
This seems to be the frame with which we look at self-care in the workplace. It’s part of the wellness programmes that companies bolt-on to help people cope with the stress. As I’ve said before, it’s giving them wellies so they can stand in the shit rather than cleaning the shit up.
But before I get too cynical about it (Before? I think that ship has sailed… Ed.), it’s really just about taking care of yourself. I mean, that makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Who on earth would argue against that?
Why wouldn’t you want to take care of yourself?
But, but, but … we still have cultures that promote the very opposite. The ‘win at all costs, whatever it takes’ cultures of the financial sector, where pulling all nighters to get a bid in, schmoozing clients until the early hours and endless travelling are still lauded and rewarded. The ‘hero’ stories of the coders who didn’t sleep for 3 days to hit a deadlines in the ‘Bro’ culture’ of tech. The long hours cultures. The heavy drinking cultures. The ‘banter’ cultures where any weakness is pounced upon, forcing people to suppress their feelings.
Those are just the examples off of the top of my head. Places where it is perfectly acceptable, indeed it is expected, to take the piss out off, and look down on, people who practice self-care. Places where looking after yourself is seen as a negative - especially if it’s your mental and emotional health you’re protecting.
That’s nuts, isn’t it?
But COVID has put self care, and particularly in respect of mental and emotional health, front and centre. It’s also removed us all from those arenas that supported those cultures, it’s weakened their hold over us.
As we re-imagine what work is, we have to put self-care up the top of the priorities. We’re not sending people into the dark, satanic mills to work until they drop anymore. Even if they want to do that (there’s a strong historic narrative about working hard without regard to ones self and being seen as a hero, especially amongst men), we’re not going to let them.
Let’s design that nonsense out and put self-care in it’s place. Work is only one part of life, it should support the other parts, not diminish your ability to enjoy them.
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
OK, that’s it from me this year. I can honestly say it’s been shit, generally and personally, and I’ll be glad to see the back of it - sentiments I think the majority of people share. It’s been productive in many ways, despite everything, and it has provided several, how shall we say, ‘learning opportunities’.
Thanks to everyone who had engaged with me, entertained and educated me and put up with me on social media. Also a big thanks to those who have created the spaces online for me to hang out and get a bit lairy in. I’m grateful to anyone who has reached out to connect with me and to those who have given me personal support. And last, but not least, I am grateful to you, dear readers, for reading these missives. Writing them has been an enjoyable, illuminating and rather cathartic experience and your presence spurs me to carry on.
So yes, that means you’ve got to put up with more of this stuff next year. Hey ho!
Happy holidays!